LEFT BEHIND

THE LOSS OF A SIBLING

Losing a loved one creates an unimaginable hole in the heart. You cannot repair it with surgery or therapy or even time. You can only repair it by living through it. Everyone will experience the loss of a loved one. Everyone. The amount of money you have or how important you are will not interrupt your time to go. Death is an inevitable part of life. We all understand this and yet we are able to get up every day knowing in the back of our minds that tomorrow is promised to no one. It would be impossible to get out of bed if we dwelled on this fact.

People often talk about the loss of husbands and wives and mothers and fathers and the loss of children but not much is discussed about the loss of a sibling. I think the other children that are left behind are often the forgotten ones. Their pain is more “silent”. They can become even invisible. This is not done on purpose. No one means to look past them but there are more pressing issues to get to. The funeral, the bills, your own grief, and keeping the home rolling. It is a lot to undertake after the death of a child. It does not matter if the death is sudden or knowingly coming to an end with an illness. The loss consumes every aspect of life. Often times the sibling “the other child”, must contribute to the family due to the tragic loss. They are forced back into their normal lives shortly after the funeral. Time to get back to class. Sit there and try to learn. Try to jump back into your sports. Try to be around your friends and peers who are all too eager to give you their condolences. They mean well but you don’t want to hear any of that. You want to go back to normalcy. You want them to see you. You hate the words “I am so sorry for your loss”. Hate them.

Many times siblings lash out. They become unruly, their grades might slide, or they might start using things to fulfill their loss. Some might go towards alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, or relationships to cope. This will further distance themselves from their true feelings. This can be a very dangerous path for them. Instead of realizing what is happening people in society will label them as troubled individuals, a problem. People will feel sorry for the parents who have already been through so much and it is true they have. These left behind kids will loose their identity inch by inch until who they used to be is completely gone. Too many times those left behind wonder why they were chosen to live. The take me mentality. They feel guilty for being alive. The other one was going to be successful. The other one was talented. The other one had it all figured out. “Look at me, I cannot possibly measure up”, they say. So they stop trying and actually sabotage their own life because they are not worthy.

It is amazing how one moment in time can alter every plan you ever had for your life. In the blink of an eye it is all gone. Your best friend in the world was taken. Your life long RIDE or DIE, died. The one person you could count on more than any other was ripped away too soon. You cannot call them for their advice. You cannot look to them for their praise or constructive criticism. Their honesty and unconditional love is no longer in the present, only in the past. The what if’s could have’s and should have’s become loud. So loud that you cannot drown them out. You are unable to share your pain because everyone else is in so much pain too. So you push it down and push it down and push it down. The problem is that it will never truly go away. It will creep back up time and time again and unleash on you when you least expect it.

How do I know all of this? I am one of those left behind. I have witnessed others that have been left behind. Our stories are not unique. There are a lot of us and more are added daily. Not everything above is a guarantee to each one of us but every one of us will experience much of what I have written. No one is to blame for this either. It is a product of the loss. Everyone was doing the best that they could do. I have a picture in my head of a little girl watching her brother go off to school and she is running after him because she wants to go with him but she can’t because she is too young to go. That vision haunts me because I am that little girl at 46. I am still wanting to run after my brother. I still need him today like I did when I was 5. Probably even more. When I hear of another siblings loss I automatically tear up. It is involuntary. It happens because I understand how much pain the loss will be for this person. Not today, or tomorrow, but forever. The process is so difficult and I do not want that for anyone.

To my 17 year old self, I would say. “You did the best you could. None of this is your fault and there is nothing that you could do to change any of it. Your parents love you equally and anything they did was not to replace him because you were not enough. He would want you to go on and it is ok to be successful, happy, and to live your best life.” To anyone else that is suffering this loss. You are and will always be enough. They know you love them and you have permission to live. Get rid of the survivor guilt. You might have been left behind but you are not FORGOTTEN.

RIP Kobe Bryant and Gianna Bryant and the 7 others unnamed in the helicopter crash today. My thoughts and prayers go out to Vanessa, Natalia, Bianka, Capri and to the family of the others that were lost today.